Distance

I had a chance to have Iftar with fellow Malay friends at Ay's house just now. I helped him make chicken rice. We had a good laugh.
Being young. Being single. Being reckless without a care.
Being immature at the same time.
Sometimes it works, sometimes..not really.
It's nice being in a community. Compared to eating alone at my apartment. Well, I've had my experience with them and in the end they'll end up hurting you anyway with some sort of disrespect.
Distance is good.

Ay borrowed my vacuum. With effort to take it from my apartment to bring it to his house. Then, no effort to bring it back. Sad. Immature. Reckless.
I figured that his house is bigger, and mine is so small and cramped, that I should just trade his vacuum with mine. Makes sense.

read more, talked more, write more

read more, read more, talk more, write more, those are the words that still linger in my head. Playing on and on like a broken record. Ouch! That's what I am feeling right now. I guess when you are in the stage that I am now, there is no use of sugar coat anything. Not my committee members. Even my advisor is frank now.
Well, the thing is , English is their language and here I am thinking that I should be at par with them. And I thought that I am. Well, then comes along a native speaker, putting you back to your feet. The way you are supposed to be. You need to express yourself better! You have not been speaking English lately, it shows. I guess 'you would be better off if you had done what I have told you to do' again and again (like an elderly talking to the young). The truth! It hurt.

Here everything is so specific. I couldn't get away with diversity now. Explain why do you want to use that word and defend it. Well, apparently, that word gets into his nerve. Well, the appropriate word would be species specific study. Hmm.. never have I learn this before.

Defending in a hypoglycemic manner does have its own advantages. I could blame stuttering or unable to understand question with that facade. But truthfully, I do not understand some of the questions. They sound so basic and straight forward and still, I was thinking to myself,'what do they want?'. 'where are they going with this?'.
It's quite an embarrassment.

I still can't believe that my advisor said that I have trouble expressing myself, having trouble with the choice of words. Well,let me put it this way, in matters of the heart, I have no problems writing it down. But it's been awhile since I had time to do that. Now, I wish that I would have the same inclination to write scientific papers as wholeheartedly as writing a blog. The thing is, writing, it takes mood to do it. And for scientific writing, you are pressured to do it. And when pressure is on you, you won't write as well. I was waiting for my muse=nope! Wrong answer! That is just not acceptable.

I wish one day, one day I could write as well as my supervisor. Or for a short term, improve my writing as the day progresses.I know that, this is the path that I wanted to go, and as Aristotle puts it, the roots of education is bitter but the fruit is sweet.

You could not change a man unless he wants to change himself

It's really disheartening to see the Malay Muslim community being swept away by the masses, by the culture of the Americans. Here, sex is free, weeds is the norm and alcohol is a part of daily life. Well, in a society where everything and anything is allowable, what holds you back? I would say Iman. I really hope that my belief and Iman will grow stronger as the day passes.
And although it sickens you to see those in sin and it kind of relieves you of the stress of having to live with them and see them everyday, but at the same time, your heart kind of feels sick of saying or criticizing them everyday, everytime.
Well, I guess I better put an end to the comments and critics that I might have.
You could not change a man unless he wants to change himself.
It is actually from the Quran
[13:11]Surah Ar-R'ad
For each one are successive [angels] before and behind him who protect him by the decree of Allah . Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. And when Allah intends for a people ill, there is no repelling it. And there is not for them besides Him any patron.

Sometimes I feel like I am such a coward for letting this happen, in my own house. But then again, I had done my duty, I had told them the rightful way and they did not obey. So, I shall let them be. There is nothing within my power to stop them doing it.
And if a man is not ready for change, he will not change.

Realiti masyarat muslim di perantauan

Seorang sahabat saya ada berkata..
Iman kita ditarik sedikit demi sedikit di perantauan ini..
Kita mulakan dengan menghalalkan makanan yg tidak halal..
mula minum arak, ganja...zina?(budaya biasa untuk undergad di sini)
kemudian..mula tinggalkan Solat Jumaat seumpama tiada apa..
kemudian tinggalkan solat 5 waktu...
menjadi keliru antara halal dan haram?
memula membuat perbuatan2 haram tanpa sedar..
biasa membuat benda2 haram sebagai tabiat..
kemudian mempersoalkan agama?
Kemudian...meninggalkan agama?

Begitulah keadaannya di sini..realiti...
kepada yang sudah jauh dibawa sesat..silalah kembali ke pangkal jalan..
kerana pintu taubat masih terbuka..

My laptop died

After being so faithful to me for 4 years my laptop died eventually.
It has been with me from August 2006. Four years.
Although it died when I first came here in January 2008.
I had it repaired twice since I've been in the USA.
My laptop died, and it has brought with it my mood, my work and passion to write.


I need a new laptop.

Right now, I am lending the library's laptop. The laptop could be rented for 3 days at a time. So after the time is due, I borrowed a new one for another 3 more days.

I did make a backup of all my files. And although my laptop died, it is still able to be on for an hour and then goes off. It's like that.
So there's time for me to backup all my files.

Better Friends

I've had better friends. Those who are really attuned to you. They listen, they see, they watched. And usually, they know without even saying, what you really wanted to say. They know when you are in need. When you are in pain, they stopped talking, they start to listen. They know what's best for you in your situation. In order to help you.
They help you rebuild your confidence when there is none left.
They would not go with their plan even though you just said yes.. My God!
These kinds of friends, they're brilliant!!

I would say these kinds of friends are precious. A diamond in the rough, or a cut diamond, you pick. These kinds of friends, however harsh they might sound, really don't affect me. Cause I see who they really are. They are usually whom I share secrets with. I share my laughter with. I guess I could say that they include one of my siblings. How lucky am I to have them. They might not be perfect. They have flaws and once or twice have hurt me too. But, in and all, they're great!